We sure hope that United Methodist folks do not take these YMBUMI's seriously and be offended. They are intended to be in good fun and to poke fun at things some folks say about us; however, most often we say about ourselves.

Contributed by United Methodist clergy and laity from across the United Methodist Church, to include contributions from the Ecunet (a computer users network), and from Rev. Roy Knight's daily SMILEAWHILE E-Mail ministry.

With apologies and thanks to Jeff Foxworthy of "You might be a redneck if . . . " fame, whose best-selling tapes, CD's and books, gave us the idea for this collection. Also thanks to Rev. Dr. Guy M. Whitney, Jr., District Superintendent, South Central District, Arkansas Conference, who began the collection during the 1995 session of the North Arkansas Conference.

Please send your contributions of "You might be United Methodist if . . . " to:

Jim Lane
508 Brent Drive
Sherwood, AR 72120-6057
VOICE: 501 834-9492
FAX: 501 834-9493
E-MAIL: jim@jimlane.org

"You might be United Methodist if . . . "

You might be United Methodist if you raise your hand and promise your pastor that you have read the 17th chapter of Mark as part of the introduction to a sermon on truth telling. (Note: Mark only has 16 chapters. You might be United Methodist if you did not know that).

You might be United Methodist if for lying about reading Mark 17 you promise to read the entire book of Hezekiah the following week. (Don't look in your Bible. It ain't there. However, if it is you might be United Methodist).

You might be United Methodist if you think "The Upper Room" is a counseling center for persons hooked on diet pills.

You might be United Methodist if you think "acolytes" are some kind of fat free wafers served during Holy Communion.

You might be United Methodist if you think "Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego" is the name of a rap group from Detroit.

You might be United Methodist if you think "the Bishop and the cabinet" is a chess piece and a cupboard in which to store it.

You might be United Methodist if you think "liturgy" is some kind of obsessive/compulsive disorder having to do with an inordinate need to trash the church parking lot.

You might be United Methodist if you have to ask what Chapter the 23rd Psalm is in!

You might be United Methodist if you ask who wrote the Lord's Prayer!

You might be United Methodist if your Bible still has the cellophane wrapper on it!

You might be United Methodist if you think that tithing is "a Baptist thing."

You might be United Methodist if you can quote liberally from Paragraph 71F of the Book of Discipline but look for the Book of Hebrews in the Old Testament.

You might be United Methodist if you find "the Discipline says" rolls off your tongue faster than "the Bible says."

You might be United Methodist if the only time a door-to-door visitation takes place is during the annual financial pledge campaign.

You might be United Methodist if you truly believe that membership in the Nominating Committee Class of 2000 is a position of power.

You might be United Methodist if you truly believe a resolution to Annual Conference concerning balancing the federal budget .. . would actually cause the federal budget to be balanced.

You might be United Methodist if you know that the Wesley Quadrilateral is not a secret SMU football play.

You might be United Methodist if you recognize "Moses" as one of the three stooges -- Larry, Curly, and Moses.

You might be United Methodist if you think "fat of the land" is a phrase you consider and disregard as you walk into the Baskin-Robbins store.

You might be United Methodist if you think of Garfield as the "magnificat."

You might be United Methodist if you think "tithing" is that "skinny" piece of fabric men wear knotted around their necks (tie thing).

You might be United Methodist if you think Gideon wrote the Bible.

You might be United Methodist if you think "confirmation" means reserving a place at the weekly church dinner.

You might be United Methodist if you think "Lent" is something you brush off your clothes or having to do with allowing your neighbor to use your lawn mower.

You might be United Methodist if you think "tithing" means wearing a tie to church at least 5 or 6 times a year.

You might be United Methodist if you think "stewardship" is a boat for butlers.

You might be United Methodist if you think "Emmaus" is computerese for "E-mail us."

You might be United Methodist if you think that "Relief" is a group of reserve pitchers for the local church softball team.

You might be United Methodist if you think "quiet as a church mouse" means the church computer control doesn't make any noise.

You might be United Methodist if you think "Homily" is some kind of vegetable from which you make grits.

You might be United Methodist if you think "security of the believer" is a term used in the church to indicate the endowment committee's interest in your stock portfolio.

You might be United Methodist if you think "Grace" is the first baseman for the Chicago Cubs.

You might be United Methodist if "Parable" (pair a bull) is what you see when two Methodist ministers are seen discussing the success of their year's end pledges.

You might be United Methodist if "Pentecost" is what you try to avoid because you think the preacher is talking about money again.

You might be United Methodist if you believe "Kingdomtide" is a holy laundry detergent which will wash your sheets "whiter than snow." (Especially formulated for those with an aversion of being "washed in the blood of the lamb.")

You might be United Methodist if you believe "God's good time" is the length of your mother-in-law's visit.

You might be United Methodist if you think "Gomer" is a nation founded by a character from the Andy Griffith show, well noted for his phrase, "Surprise, Surprise."

You might be United Methodist if you believe that "Herod" was the original founder of a fine London department store.

You might be United Methodist if you hope God was only kidding about the "gluttony" thing.

You might be United Methodist if you think that "backsliding" describes an acrobatic maneuver employed at Wild River Country.

You might be United Methodist if you claim "Frankincense" as the last, best written horror story.

You might be United Methodist if you believe "Jeremiah" was a bullfrog.

You might be United Methodist if you hope that "Transfiguration" is what you will experience before swimsuit season.

You might be United Methodist if you believe that "apostasy" is a form of punctuation.

You might be United Methodist if you suffer from "Beatitudes," that disease of the mind that has you wishing to be on the golf course during the Sunday sermon.

You might be United Methodist if you know "atonement" as the candy you put in your mouth before singing. (a tone mint).

You might be a United Methodist if the evangelist during the revival preached a series of heck-fire and dern-nation sermons.

You might be a United Methodist if you believe that Easter was the day that Christ came out of the empty tomb ... and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of Winter.

You might be a United Methodist if the annual church budget is overshadowed by the Memorial Gifts Fund.

You might be United Methodist if you are a Siamese twin - well connected.

You might be United Methodist if you think you have to have a potluck dish to get into heaven.

You might be United Methodist if think that having a Good News representative and a left wing social activist in the same room is a good thing.

You might be United Methodist if you say you will move when the Bishop calls -- until the Bishop calls.

You might be United Methodist if you have disciplines in your life (they're right there next to the dictionary and Book of Religious Quotations.)

You might be United Methodist if the street preachers tell you that you are going to hell for being a United Methodist, but "can your church give me enough money to get to Phoenix?"

You might be United Methodist if you think that a Cokesbury is the secret ingredient in Coke.

You might be United Methodist if you think Pat Conroy wrote "Kingdomtide" after "Prince of Tides."

You might be United Methodist if you know that Vision 2000 isn't a new line of eyewear.

You might be United Methodist if you know that a quadrennial is not a plant.

You might be United Methodist if you believe you're suppose to take a covered dish to heaven when you die.

You might be United Methodist if you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

You might be United Methodist if you have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

You might be United Methodist if you think someone who says "amen" while the pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.

You might be United Methodist if you complained because your pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.

You might be United Methodist if you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week.

You might be United Methodist if you think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles.

You might be United Methodist if you think the Holy Land is Nashville.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you woke up one morning craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you speak in acronyms.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you get Christmas cards from Allied Van Lines.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you are designated as the unofficial peace keeper at the Ministerial Alliance meetings.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you marry the couples the other churches turn away . . . so that they will be legal and go back to the other churches.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you discover that the horse you have been riding around your circuit is in fact a jackass once used by the Bishop.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you come to realize that Wesley's troublesome marriage is the reason you are an itinerant preacher

You might be United Methodist Clergy if your Ford Festiva is always dirty.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you have receipts from more than 5 U-Haul-It's.

You might be United Methodist clergy if a moving van backs up to your door every couple of years.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you can tell the difference between generic and Welch's.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you know that a multi-point charge is not a shopping spree.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you know that a charge conference is not a discussion with the sales clerk and the store manager about your credit.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you are in debt so as to be an embarrassment.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you are going on to perfection.

You might be United Methodist clergy if your family vehicle has "Ryder" on the side of it.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you've ever heard the words "apportionments" and "opportunities" in the same sentence; or if you've ever heard the words "appointment" and "opportunity" in the same sentence.

You might be United Methodist clergy if you know the difference between a committee, commission, task force and work area.

You might be United Methodist clergy if... The palms of your hands break out in a sweat upon seeing a Ryder truck in June.

You might be United Methodist clergy if your husband says "Absolutely Not! NO, you can't have your mother's upright, antique piano!--We'd have to move the darn thing every four years!"

You might be United Methodist clergy if baptisms leave you with dishpan hands.

You might be United Methodist clergy if all of your shirt pockets have stains from your "little black book."

From Roy Knight's SMILEAWHILE E-Mail service . . .